blog #14

right. okay. blog number 12 happened. and its hard. its hard to come to terms with death. and its hard to deal with the people most badly affected by it in an appropriate and sympathetic way. especially when you dont think they really want to be helped. so im hiding down the cellar where i can get the internet on my trusty laptop. my laptop is the only internet thing i can use while knowing that no-one else can get to my data stored on it. also, ive not made the fact that i write this public information, and the email i use for it was created for the blog, so im sneaky.

i enjoy writing, and i write a diary quite regularly. i have several. and i guess this counts as one. but theyre all for different stuff. i write this while thinking that someone might read it one day.
which is a weird thought.
but it makes it more difficult to say the things that i want to: like that i talked to my ex yesterday and came away feeling really pissed off at his insistence to match the negative stuff in my life with worse stuff thats happening/happened to him. or like i had the most gay dream ever that involved the cast of the l word, tegan and sara, my girlfriend.. it was the best dream ever though. i accidentally went through this door into the room where every door i went through led me to the filming of some program. i ended up in this corridor where at one end, i could hear gun shots through three doors, where they were filming war films. and i walked up the corridor and found 3 rooms.. the contents of the first is unrepeatable, the second had shane and molly from the l word in, doing rude things. and the third had tegan and sara in, doing their sound check in. i poked my head through the door and tegan beckoned me in and put her arm round my shoulder and asked my where i thought we were. bristol. and we had a nice chat.
i woke up very happy.

but now, i have to go and entertain my little brother. he's going to bed soon. my mum has just demanded. i have to keep out the way of her cos she's in a funny mood where everything is an argument to her, or an attempt at one. and i hate that. im not an angry person.. much!

blog #13

just made this ^^. and am now 3 songs into recording a album, which ive been wanting to do for a while. so thats a good start. i'll share some on here when ive done more. but yeah, the gif says corduroy cowboy, which is an internet name i use.. i might do fakelondongenie next.. do a whole set.

and here it is:

blog #12

ah number 12. and im sat on my bed again. but ive been up this time. had coffee. i feel quite useless right now. which is why im writing, cos i dont know what else to do. im drinking my girlfriends cold coffee and no doubt's 'don't speak' is playing. which sums it up.
the situation is now that when my mum phones me, she starts the conversation with 'he's still alive'. she phoned just now and im glad she did. she doesnt phone much. and with the current situation, she needs to start with that line. im on standby to jump on a train. no-one in my family has died before. this easter is going to be not so fun, i feel. i need my mum to be ok, cos if she isnt then im not. i can cope with anything if shes coping.
the music is going into me with more emotion than it should. though maybe im just listening to the wrong songs.
i think i will stop writing, im not helping myself.
please dont comment.

blog #11

so here we are. sat in bed with a newly empty tube of pringles and some custard creams. im hungry, but not hungry enough to go downstairs and get breakfast. though the pull of coffee might get me up soon.. but yes, ive not written here since my dublin trip. ive had to go into detail about my meeting of tegan and sara to various people, and the people interested are huge fans too, and i feel guilty for having the experience. but i wouldnt change it for the world.

i went out a lot last week. on tueday (out), thursday (dev cat, bday) and friday (climax). i had a selecton of very good nights out. and ive recently bought a lot of new clothes, cos the ones i had were terrible, and so ive enjoyed going out and feeling like im dressed to be out. and friday was fun. the best night at climax i think ive ever had. im not sure quite why it was so good, but it was. the music was better than usual, and i enjoy being out with the people i go out with. and my friend chris who i met in first year was back from london for it, and ive not seen him for way too long, so that was lovely.

and this week is the last week before easter breakup. i went out to a comedy night last night, the improvisational comedy (shrimps) evening. my girlfriend is one of the shrimps team, so
i was going to watch her. i took some photos of her and the whole gang, but i have a feeling she shall kill me if ever they surface, so i wont share them here, much as id like to..

and today, she left 4 hours ago for her seminar, and im still in bed. im such a lazy fucker. i saw one of my coursemates out at the thing last night and he said we didnt have to be in today, so i think ive taken that as an excuse to not actually do any work. but i will. im getting up now. on a coffee mission...

blog #10

dublin

second tegan and sara gig in ireland. i went over to dublin on an airplane to see them. the flight was ok. except the landing, where the pilot pointed the plane down at the ground and accelerated. we were too high up and too close to the runway so we needed to kill some height.

me and my dublin guide wandered around dublin for most of wednesday. we arrived in the centre at about 1.30 after getting the train, which was square:


we had a lovely time walking around, and arrived for the gig 6 hours after the first people, who had been waiting outside since we arrived in dublin (6 hours!!!!!). they started to let people in at about half 7, and once inside the gig, i managed to get backstage through a series of interesting events.. and had a conversation with sara, then left. i watched the support and then tegan and sara play:

and after the gig, i used this backstage pass:

to sit this close to sara, after being formally introduced to them both as 'this is maddie, she's flown over from sheffield to see you':

and then we all shook hands and said nice goodbyes and thank you's, and me and min got the bus to her home, and chatted for a while, then went to sleep.

while i was in dublin, i missed the earthquake.. my mother didnt, and i got a text from her saying there had been one. i wouldnt have known if she hadnt texted. so thats the only bad things that came out of my tuesday wednesday and thursday. except being thoroughly frisked and searched on my way out of east midlands airport.
this entry is very long, and its maybe a good thing that not a huge amount of people read this.